My Month on Match: Day #10

After 10 days and countless hours on match.com I have learned a few things about online dating:

1. It is highly addictive. Keeping up with the “winks” is impossible… I gave up on that long ago. Responding to messages is a near full-time job! You have to pick and choose based upon initial impressions. My two initial qualifiers have been bare bones: attraction and faith. I recently discovered that you can also see who has been viewing your profile! This is great feature to weed out the stalkers! But it also made me sweat a bit… since I’ve been showing all of my friends my “favorite matches.” Opps! :O
2. Pick-up lines. This is where the real entertainment is found. Since everyone is hitting on everyone… people quickly show their colors by the way they engage this initial conversation. Some cut straight to the chase and ask you for your number. Don’t worry Mom… I only fell for this once;). Others make a thoughtful remark about something listed in your profile. A large majority say something profound like, “Wow! You’re gorgeous! Write me back if you are interested.” My favorite initial emails have included joking rhetoric about the awkwardness of online dating and suggest that they would like to get to know you better… should you return the interest.
3. Pictures. People post the most hilarious, unbecoming pictures of themselves sometimes... it's highly entertaining. Guys also tend to post pictures with other girls? And gorgeous girls too... I don't get that... totally a turn-off. Unless it's your mom or your sister... it's just not okay.
4. Honesty. Everyone knows that everyone is looking, so there is a general understanding that you may or may not be a “match.” There is intentionality in seeking to get to know someone and equal intentionality when you are not interested (either you ignore them… or you tell them you’re not interested and why). Everyone is pretty level-headed because they are playing the field. One rejection or ignored message isn’t that tragic, because there are many other people to date! Also – You must be totally honest with yourself and be unapologetically true to your values and convictions. Without that kind of truth-telling, many hearts will be broken.
5. Nearly everyone needs a chance. People come across one way in their pictures and the way they talk about themselves, and can be so different in person. Judging a book by it’s match cover alone is short-sighted. I made up my mind early on that I was going to do my best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and at least one date (unless I get a weird vibe which I attribute to the Holy Spirit telling me to stay away).
6. It’s hard! As a girl with a strong-faith and a heart for ministry, solid Christians are hard to come by on match. But I have met a few…
7. Best date so far = Go Karting!
8. The iphone app. It’s awesome… and will make the rest of this month much easier.

My Month on Match: rethinking

Today was an interesting day... I'm meeting some really attractive and great people through match. I'm surprisingly growing a bit fond of this way of making new friends and having a chance to converse with people I wouldn't normally get to talk with.

This afternoon, I found myself exceptionally embarrassed when a friend began to sarcastically quote back to me my play by play of my experience on match.com. Two things struck me. Perhaps more people are reading this than I thought would... and perhaps one of these great guys I might meet and go out with will find it rather atrocious that I'm writing about my experience with them. So in an effort not to trivialize anyone other than myself... I will be changing my approach moving forward. My posts will contain what I'm learning about online dating... and what I'm learning about myself in the realm of dating strangers:). Hope that doesn't disappoint any of you... but I think I will be able to sleep now tonight knowing I'm not making anyone hate me over something I say on a silly blog. If you want more juicy details... hit me up for coffee:)

The Joshua Harris Scandal: a word to my Christian friends

When I was in early high school I read “I Kissed Dating Good-bye,” by Joshua Harris. At the time I took his word like it was scripture and decided that dating was only good for meeting Mr. Right. But I wasn’t alone! All my friends bought the theory too. Dating became scary and something that only lead to potentially deviant behaviors and temptations. Unless the Lord was in it… then of course it was going to fulfill it’s purpose.

Since I graduated from college and embarked into the cold world of singleness, I have had various dating relationships. Some were great, some were weird, some were deceptive, and some were… well just disappointing. For some reason, I’ve found that many Christians do not know how to date... including myself. There seems to be an underlying tension that we need to decide in the first two dates whether or not we are going to marry this person. I’ve thrown my heart at guys way too early and had guys throw their hearts at me before I was ready to hold it… usually with VERY LITTLE COMMUNICATION about what the other person is thinking and feeling. So like a little Red Riding Hood I ran relentlessly from the Big Bad Dating-Wolf. I know I’ve hurt a lot of wonderful people along the way… and I hate that fact. But I suppose things even themselves out as I’ve been hurt and mislead a number of times as well. At the end of it all, I don’t blame it ALL on Joshua Harris – perhaps the pressure goes deeper, to the churches seemingly unattainable standard of holiness. There are always warnings about what NOT to do when dating: don’t kiss on the first date, pre-marital sex is forbidden, make sure their “calling” aligns with yours (whatever that means), avoid the ones who drink and smoke, wait for God to bring you your “Prince” or “Princess,” opposites are good – but only in certain undefined areas, etc. But who is out there telling us HOW to date well? The only counsel I’ve received along these lines are: be yourself, wait for God’s timing, focus on what God has for you to do and it will happen someday. Not bad advice… it carries a lot of truth... but BORING!

But here’s were I divert… I find that most of my single Christian friends get really scared about dating. Freaked out to “put themselves out there,” afraid to make a mistake, and generally just wanting to find “the one.” My non-Christian friends, however, aren’t as afraid. They boldly tell people that they like them and date total strangers. If it doesn’t work out, they are a little disappointed but bounce back really fast. I think we put WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE on the process of discovery when it could be a really fun adventure! I truly believe dating and building relationships with members of the opposite sex is extremely important in helping us realize who we are and who we aren’t! If we plan to marry, we’d better learn a thing or two about how to interact with males and females.

Dating should not be such a scary matter. Sometimes there is a “click” and it works out… and sometimes it doesn’t. We shouldn’t take these matters so personally. Christians often are afraid to hurt someone and because we’ve been conditioned to be so nice, and don’t know how to say, “Thanks, but no thanks” with tact and grace. Fearful of these confrontational realties in relationships… guys don’t ask out a girl that they think is cute until she’s hinted so overtly it’s embarrassing, and girls won’t say yes unless they know he fulfills all 24 “must-have’s” on the list she wrote in her 7^th grade bible study!

This is bogus and I’m on a mission to figure out how to date well, date often, have fun, be wise, learn from lots of different guys, and believe that some day as I’m journeying forward God’s going to lead me to the one whose life is supposed to be forever intertwined with mine. Gentlemen… girls want men who are confident enough to just say what they are thinking. Ladies… quit being so controlling and picky—get to know someone for who they are not for who you hope they are. Relationships are messy… but if Jesus is in the center, it can be a beautiful mess!

So… figure out who you are, like who you are, pull up your boot-straps, and put yourself out there! What’s there to lose when there are so many new friends to be had. I’m not saying everyone should sign up for match.com… I’m just saying if you want to get married someday… you must participate in the process!

My Month on MATCH

Blame it on boredom or another crazy idea, but last night on a whim I made a profile on Match.com. I’ll be honest, I saw a really attractive guy pictured on the ad and thought “If guys that good-looking are online, than I’d better check it out!” So one thing led to another and by the time I woke up this morning I had been “winked” at by 23 guys. There were a couple hotties! I was intrigued. I also had received 5 emails as I got my zzz’s… but here’s the hook. You can’t read the emails until you pay. I went to church in deep thought if it was worth paying $34.99 to “play the field.” By the time I got home, I’d received 4 more emails and my curiosity took over. Well… so far so good – in less than 24 hours I got a blind lunch date scheduled for tomorrow. This looks promising. But you all know me; I never go on ventures alone… so I will be blogging about MY MONTH ON MATCH.

Top 10 Reasons why I’m on Match.com for the month:

10. February is the month of LOVE and I needed some help from cupid.

9. I already tried eharmony and hated it… maybe match will be better.

8. My friends want to try it, but are afraid, someone has to be the guinea pig.

7. I figure God can’t direct a sitting duck and I should put myself “on the market” if I want to get married someday.

6. I had to read those messages.

5. According to eharmony, 1 in 5 marriages in the US started online... hmm.

4. Facebook is too ambiguous and guys that are actively looking are extremely attractive.

3. My good friends roommate recently met her fiancé on eharmony.

2. I’ve already dated or am tired of waiting on my current list of prospects.

1. Loyal, equally curious friends paid for over half of the subscription so they could live vicariously through me.

Hope you enjoy the ride with me… could be a rollercoaster of disappointments OR my “Save the Date” could soon be hanging on your refrigerator! Stay tuned…

The Desert journey to the Land of Promise

The wind has picked up, blowing sand into my eyes. I squint, covering my brow with my sun-weathered hand. I can see Him several yards ahead, keeping a steady, confident pace. We are two days past the Pleasant Settlement. He is focused on the destination.

My mind wanders back to my friends at Pleasant. Are they swimming in the quiet stream I drank of days ago? Are the children playing on the rope swing that hung from the large Oak, while their mothers laugh as they prepare the evening meal beneath the tree’s shade?

Another gust of wind brings me back to the moment. I feel the beads of sweat run down my back. Sun-scorched, exhausted… still following this God-man through the barren wasteland. My feet hurt. I look down to find the blood has dried between my toes. I long to rest them once again. I’m tired of these calluses that remind me of this difficult journey. A woman wasn’t built to travel such a distance. My heart longs to settle… to make a home… to have a family.

I can still hear the children giggling and see their eyes glitter with delight as they chased the lambs through the lush grass.

Pleasant seemed good enough.

But He said we needed to continue onto the Land of Promise.

That’s where we are going.

It sounds spectacular! A land flowing with milk and honey. A place of beauty and abundance the likes of which I have never seen. A place where I will be fulfill my destiny.

But I never knew it would take this long…

We had arrived at Pleasant a few weeks ago. I was tired and needed to rest. I quickly grew fond of the place and the people. I knew it wasn’t what He had described, but I secretly hoped it would be good enough. I just want the journey to be over!

I can still hear the crackling of the campfire the night He told me we must be moving on. Pleasant was not the Land of Promise. My cheeks burned with sadness and my heart winced with pain.

I looked off into the distance as He continued to talk, reminding me of His plans and promises. I touched my feet as though consoling them. These calluses would have to be built up again.

A tear streamed down my face as I lost myself in the gaze into the nothingness of the desert that lie ahead. The indefinite amount of time of this journey overwhelmed me. He wiped the tear from my face and said gently that He would be enough… and He would be with me.

His touch aroused the courage in my soul to grab a hold of the dream of the Land of Promise once again.

“We must leave at daylight.” I told Him. “There is no time to be wasted. My heart cannot be trusted to linger here another day… for it might fall in love with Pleasant and forget the Land of Promise.”

His smile was filled with pride and it made my heart swell.

So here I am again. Following Him. He has slowed down His pace for me. My heart is solemn. Believing that this desert will actually come to an end one day takes great faith. Great faith that without His constant encouragement… I do not have.

I look upon the back of the one I love and remember how He has cared for me. He refuses to let me settle before He delivers me His promise. This journey was His idea. I remember the day He chose me to be the recipient of this land of Promise! I was so honored… completely floored and humbled by the offer. How could I say no!?! I never imagined there would be so much suffering involved in this journey. Nor did I ever imagine how much wisdom, power, strength and comfort would flow from the hands of this God-man to help me along the way.

I have had so many moments of doubting Him. In fact, on multiple occasions I quit following Him and tried to find my own shortcuts to get out of this desert. I always ended up in a heap of trouble, near utter destruction. But He always came to find me. He would tend to my wounds, nurse me back to health and encourage my soul until I was strong enough to continue the journey. I have come to realize… He wants me to get to the destination MORE than I do!

I could’ve been happy to settle by that little stream in Pleasant. It was nice enough and beats desert camping! But when He said no… I knew He meant it. And I’ve come to learn, He’s much to stubborn to argue with and my reasoning is no match for His knowledge. He’s focused on something that I cannot sway Him from. And He knows how to pique my intrigue just enough to cause me to salivate with excitement for what lies ahead. How can one stay settled when you sleep next to a dreamer every night?

One thing I do love about this desert is the night sky. A symphony of stars littering the black canvas sing a mysterious melody that calls out to something deep inside of me. At first I didn’t hear it. But He taught me how to listen. Before long, I was reborn as I began to hear the heartbeat of the Creator call out to me through the wonder of His creation. Deep calling to deep. Under the stars I heard Him whisper to me similar things as my guide would say. Promises… Hope… Vision… Life… FUTURE. Dreams were born on the soil of my empty soul. They have grown into ideas that are taking over my life. You see… I cannot settle. The Land of Promise is already INSIDE of me.

This desert. Oh this desert. I despised this desert for so long. Yet now it is so familiar, I find it oddly comfortable. I still hate when the wind kicks up sand into my eyes. I still hate the scorpions and the snakes. I still find cactuses’ needles a unnecessary frustration to a source of water.

But there is a stillness in this emptiness. It’s a stillness that surrounds me and finds it’s way inside of me when I embrace my lack of control. Many days my flesh fights with the elements. I want to change it. I beg God to make the sun set early or send a rain cloud. I want relief from the discomfort. I want to know HOW MUCH LONGER. I want to understand WHY we had to go this way. It feels as though we are doing circles at times. He’s God… He could blink and I would be there. But He has chosen… He has decided… and there’s no undoing what He has done.

Deep down I trust Him. Deep down I believe He is always good. And when I surrender to that belief and stop looking down at the sand or up at the dunes ahead, I find myself captivated by this God-Man who has brought me safely thus far. Not without battle wounds or scars… but I’m stronger, wiser, deeper, and somehow more than I was when this journey began.

My mind recalls all the time we have spent together… just Him and I. We have seen a lot of territory and had many conversations along the way. He teaches me how to think about things, how to maneuver through obstacles and how to be courageous in dire situations. At nights He showed me how to survive the desert cold and pointed out the constellations. I recall the first desert storm. He showed me how to make a shelter and comforted me when I was afraid. And as we walked with the sun beating down our necks, He always pointed out the beauty along the way. The first desert flower He plucked and gave to me is still tucked neatly in my book of journeys.

I was afraid to step out into this desert again. But tonight I’m finding it’s not so bad. I get to be with my Jesus without distraction. Just following Him… that’s all I’m doing. It’s not that difficult… so long as I remain humble enough to keep up. His presence is enough to satisfy my soul. His mystery enough to entice me to quicken my pace. His beauty captivates my attention and I desire to be just like Him.

In barrenness grows a beauty untold. New birth takes place on sallow ground. A soul once dark is enlightened and transformed. This desert I once hated has become the greatest gift. I still long for the Land of Promise… but I think I shall be a bit sad when we get there and things are different between me and my leader. It saddens me when I think how I have doubted him… but oh how I love Him. I don’t ever want to be apart from Him. When we are out of this desert… I wonder what it will be like. I know we will still be close. We will always share these memories… this bond. But for as long as I have with Him on this sandy trail… I shall be ever grateful. It’s just Him leading… and I am following. This desert… it isn’t actually barren. It’s the landscape of a beautiful redemption story… the blossoming relationship between God and a man. The desert… rich with new life.

The Wicked Wait

I went to open the door, but it was locked. I stood in the hallway for what seemed like 10 minutes. I could hear a little voice behind the door. I knew I should have had more grace for whatever child was in there… but I found myself tapping my food with impatience. It was a busy day at the coffee shop, and I had left two people on the floor as so I could run to the bathroom. Finally I heard the toilet flush and sighed in relief. The door opened and out filed a mother with her two children. “Sorry!” she said, “there was three of us!” “It’s okay!” I said, acting unperturbed. “It’s bound to take awhile with that crew!” She had no idea how annoyed I really was.

I suck at waiting. I’m a “go-getter” and “make-it-happen” kind of person. I work hard to get what I want and to be successful in whatever my hand finds to do. But there are certain things in my life that God has regularly thwarted all of my attempts to change or to obtain. His answer to certain desires of my heart has been “WAIT” for years! However, I usually ignore his whisper that says “wait,” and find myself striving to satisfy my heart that screams “Get it now!”

I am so prone to try and be my own Provider, my own Comforter, my own Sustainer and the Fulfiller of my every desire. It has been in the WAITING that I have come to know the true Savior.

In the Wait I met a Savior who is…

…the daily healer of a broken heart.

…the friend that is closer than a brother when all seems lost.

… the one who provides my daily bread.

… the one who picks me up when I fail and fall and strengthens me to keep moving forward.

… the presence that can bring peace to any turmoil of the soul.

… the giver of the best gifts.

… the only fulfillment of my aching soul.

I am getting better at the wait. I am still tempted to try and make things happen for myself. But I’m learning to refrain and resist the urge. God is big enough to bring the things together in my life that he wants there in his timing. If I believe he has planned my every step like scripture says, why do I try so hard to plan my own life? My plans will fall painfully short of His masterful design.

I recently began taking yoga classes. There are a couple of poses that are very difficult for me. I get frustrated that I can’t balance my entire body on my forearms or fold forward in tree position. But I can’t… not yet. I have to work up to that level of strength and flexibility. And when I try, it hurts! My instructor often says, “Relax into the discomfort and the pose will become easier.” She’s right. Every time I relax, I’m able to go further than before.

Relax into the discomfort. I usually resist the discomfort of waiting. Could it be that if I stopped resisting the WAIT, it would get easier? I pray I can trust God more and relax into the discomfort of waiting. Deep down I know my Father is good and he has only the best of intentions towards me. I long to live and operate with that truth coursing through my being.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 “Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.”

So wait… I will for my God to fulfill his best laid plans for me.

My Angst...

“Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?”

“When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do.”

Then he added, “No go and learn the meaning of this scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” Matthew 10:10-13

I have recently heard of a church growth philosophy that makes my stomach turn. It’s a philosophy that targets a certain class of society that will be able to financially support the ministry and purposefully ignores the poor that might “scare away” the sugar-daddy’s. In other words… there are churches that say, “We don’t do homeless.”

I can’t decide if I should throw something out of righteous anger or cry. I feel the Christ in me do both.

How has the apple fallen so far from the tree? Christ PURSUED the down-trodden, the lost and hopeless, the broken and outcasts. Do we really think as the body of Christ that we are serving his mission if we pursue anyone else?

We spend our money building magnificent buildings for our worship gatherings, while neglecting to put a roof over someone’s head. We provide kids a Disneyland-worthy play land on Sunday mornings, while 1 in 5 children live in poverty. We perform the gospel each Sunday Morning under the lights and cameras, while girls are forced to “perform” all week long to pay their rent.

Are we really being the body of Christ? Or are we enjoying spending our money on ourselves so that we can have the coolest church in the city?

What is the gospel if it’s simply proclaimed every Sunday morning from a sound system but never seen in practical acts of love throughout the week?

Jesus healed the sick… he mended the broken… he sought out the outcasts.

For the first time in my life I have the pleasure of attending a worship gathering with homeless people, with drug addicts, and people still drunk from the night before. There is no huge building, no stage, no impressive lights or cameras. Just Jesus and His family, His gospel, and His transforming power working through practical acts of love. I finally feel like I am part of a mission worth dying for. A mission I will spend all my days living for… pursuing the forgotten.