The Joshua Harris Scandal: a word to my Christian friends

When I was in early high school I read “I Kissed Dating Good-bye,” by Joshua Harris. At the time I took his word like it was scripture and decided that dating was only good for meeting Mr. Right. But I wasn’t alone! All my friends bought the theory too. Dating became scary and something that only lead to potentially deviant behaviors and temptations. Unless the Lord was in it… then of course it was going to fulfill it’s purpose.

Since I graduated from college and embarked into the cold world of singleness, I have had various dating relationships. Some were great, some were weird, some were deceptive, and some were… well just disappointing. For some reason, I’ve found that many Christians do not know how to date... including myself. There seems to be an underlying tension that we need to decide in the first two dates whether or not we are going to marry this person. I’ve thrown my heart at guys way too early and had guys throw their hearts at me before I was ready to hold it… usually with VERY LITTLE COMMUNICATION about what the other person is thinking and feeling. So like a little Red Riding Hood I ran relentlessly from the Big Bad Dating-Wolf. I know I’ve hurt a lot of wonderful people along the way… and I hate that fact. But I suppose things even themselves out as I’ve been hurt and mislead a number of times as well. At the end of it all, I don’t blame it ALL on Joshua Harris – perhaps the pressure goes deeper, to the churches seemingly unattainable standard of holiness. There are always warnings about what NOT to do when dating: don’t kiss on the first date, pre-marital sex is forbidden, make sure their “calling” aligns with yours (whatever that means), avoid the ones who drink and smoke, wait for God to bring you your “Prince” or “Princess,” opposites are good – but only in certain undefined areas, etc. But who is out there telling us HOW to date well? The only counsel I’ve received along these lines are: be yourself, wait for God’s timing, focus on what God has for you to do and it will happen someday. Not bad advice… it carries a lot of truth... but BORING!

But here’s were I divert… I find that most of my single Christian friends get really scared about dating. Freaked out to “put themselves out there,” afraid to make a mistake, and generally just wanting to find “the one.” My non-Christian friends, however, aren’t as afraid. They boldly tell people that they like them and date total strangers. If it doesn’t work out, they are a little disappointed but bounce back really fast. I think we put WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE on the process of discovery when it could be a really fun adventure! I truly believe dating and building relationships with members of the opposite sex is extremely important in helping us realize who we are and who we aren’t! If we plan to marry, we’d better learn a thing or two about how to interact with males and females.

Dating should not be such a scary matter. Sometimes there is a “click” and it works out… and sometimes it doesn’t. We shouldn’t take these matters so personally. Christians often are afraid to hurt someone and because we’ve been conditioned to be so nice, and don’t know how to say, “Thanks, but no thanks” with tact and grace. Fearful of these confrontational realties in relationships… guys don’t ask out a girl that they think is cute until she’s hinted so overtly it’s embarrassing, and girls won’t say yes unless they know he fulfills all 24 “must-have’s” on the list she wrote in her 7^th grade bible study!

This is bogus and I’m on a mission to figure out how to date well, date often, have fun, be wise, learn from lots of different guys, and believe that some day as I’m journeying forward God’s going to lead me to the one whose life is supposed to be forever intertwined with mine. Gentlemen… girls want men who are confident enough to just say what they are thinking. Ladies… quit being so controlling and picky—get to know someone for who they are not for who you hope they are. Relationships are messy… but if Jesus is in the center, it can be a beautiful mess!

So… figure out who you are, like who you are, pull up your boot-straps, and put yourself out there! What’s there to lose when there are so many new friends to be had. I’m not saying everyone should sign up for match.com… I’m just saying if you want to get married someday… you must participate in the process!