The Wicked Wait

I went to open the door, but it was locked. I stood in the hallway for what seemed like 10 minutes. I could hear a little voice behind the door. I knew I should have had more grace for whatever child was in there… but I found myself tapping my food with impatience. It was a busy day at the coffee shop, and I had left two people on the floor as so I could run to the bathroom. Finally I heard the toilet flush and sighed in relief. The door opened and out filed a mother with her two children. “Sorry!” she said, “there was three of us!” “It’s okay!” I said, acting unperturbed. “It’s bound to take awhile with that crew!” She had no idea how annoyed I really was.

I suck at waiting. I’m a “go-getter” and “make-it-happen” kind of person. I work hard to get what I want and to be successful in whatever my hand finds to do. But there are certain things in my life that God has regularly thwarted all of my attempts to change or to obtain. His answer to certain desires of my heart has been “WAIT” for years! However, I usually ignore his whisper that says “wait,” and find myself striving to satisfy my heart that screams “Get it now!”

I am so prone to try and be my own Provider, my own Comforter, my own Sustainer and the Fulfiller of my every desire. It has been in the WAITING that I have come to know the true Savior.

In the Wait I met a Savior who is…

…the daily healer of a broken heart.

…the friend that is closer than a brother when all seems lost.

… the one who provides my daily bread.

… the one who picks me up when I fail and fall and strengthens me to keep moving forward.

… the presence that can bring peace to any turmoil of the soul.

… the giver of the best gifts.

… the only fulfillment of my aching soul.

I am getting better at the wait. I am still tempted to try and make things happen for myself. But I’m learning to refrain and resist the urge. God is big enough to bring the things together in my life that he wants there in his timing. If I believe he has planned my every step like scripture says, why do I try so hard to plan my own life? My plans will fall painfully short of His masterful design.

I recently began taking yoga classes. There are a couple of poses that are very difficult for me. I get frustrated that I can’t balance my entire body on my forearms or fold forward in tree position. But I can’t… not yet. I have to work up to that level of strength and flexibility. And when I try, it hurts! My instructor often says, “Relax into the discomfort and the pose will become easier.” She’s right. Every time I relax, I’m able to go further than before.

Relax into the discomfort. I usually resist the discomfort of waiting. Could it be that if I stopped resisting the WAIT, it would get easier? I pray I can trust God more and relax into the discomfort of waiting. Deep down I know my Father is good and he has only the best of intentions towards me. I long to live and operate with that truth coursing through my being.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 “Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.”

So wait… I will for my God to fulfill his best laid plans for me.

My Angst...

“Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?”

“When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do.”

Then he added, “No go and learn the meaning of this scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” Matthew 10:10-13

I have recently heard of a church growth philosophy that makes my stomach turn. It’s a philosophy that targets a certain class of society that will be able to financially support the ministry and purposefully ignores the poor that might “scare away” the sugar-daddy’s. In other words… there are churches that say, “We don’t do homeless.”

I can’t decide if I should throw something out of righteous anger or cry. I feel the Christ in me do both.

How has the apple fallen so far from the tree? Christ PURSUED the down-trodden, the lost and hopeless, the broken and outcasts. Do we really think as the body of Christ that we are serving his mission if we pursue anyone else?

We spend our money building magnificent buildings for our worship gatherings, while neglecting to put a roof over someone’s head. We provide kids a Disneyland-worthy play land on Sunday mornings, while 1 in 5 children live in poverty. We perform the gospel each Sunday Morning under the lights and cameras, while girls are forced to “perform” all week long to pay their rent.

Are we really being the body of Christ? Or are we enjoying spending our money on ourselves so that we can have the coolest church in the city?

What is the gospel if it’s simply proclaimed every Sunday morning from a sound system but never seen in practical acts of love throughout the week?

Jesus healed the sick… he mended the broken… he sought out the outcasts.

For the first time in my life I have the pleasure of attending a worship gathering with homeless people, with drug addicts, and people still drunk from the night before. There is no huge building, no stage, no impressive lights or cameras. Just Jesus and His family, His gospel, and His transforming power working through practical acts of love. I finally feel like I am part of a mission worth dying for. A mission I will spend all my days living for… pursuing the forgotten.

To Choose Christ

Indecisiveness has plagued me for 27 years. I love going out to eat, but I hate the process of deciding what to eat. What do I feel like? What’s the healthy option? Do I want to splurge and get dessert? How much do I want to spend? What sounds good? What is recommended? Salmon or Steak? Medium or Well Done? Blue Cheese or Honey Mustard? Oy vey!

Our society is inundated with millions of choices everyday. Whatever your desire… there is a feast of options set before you.

Are you a foodie? ZAGAT has rated over 788 Seattle restaurants… that’s enough to keep you busy for 2 years.

Are you a wino? Just walk into any grocery store and you will find nearly 2 or 3 aisles dedicated to you.

Are you a coffee snob? Google maps lists 9,368 exist in Seattle so take your pick! I doubt you will have to walk far to find one.

Are you a gym rat? There’s yoga, hot yoga and pilates studios, small neighborhood gyms, mega-gyms, outdoor boot camps, cycling classes, personal running coaches, Zumba classes, Kinesis training… I think I’ve made my point.

I’m a sucker for false promises and advertising. I’ve been the girl that falls for the online ad that sells a boat load of promises for just $9.99! Only to forget to cancel the subscription and get charged a whopping $89.99 the next month! I get excited about the “latest” thing and sell my soul for a few weeks until I realize it was all smoke and mirrors. In the meantime… my soul wilts. Parched and dry I seek harder for REAL WATER only to remember… AGAIN… it’s only found in one source.

“But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” - Jesus Christ, John 4:14

I’m so prone to forget this. I’m so prone to let my desires for this life on earth lead me down empty, lonely trails that cause only entanglement and destruction. I constantly choose to meet my immediate needs and stresses with whatever problem-solving strategies or coping tools I can find. But all that is accomplished is momentary distraction from how thirsty my soul is for living water.

I thirst for Jesus. I desire intimacy with my completer. But he is often the most neglected person in my life as I wade through the myriad of choices that promise to meet my more surface desires.

“Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him.” Apostle Paul, Philippians 3:8-9.

I need to learn from Paul and downgrade my earthly desires to garbage status. Perhaps then the thirst of my soul will scream louder than my thirst for possessions, power or prestige.

I often think this might be easier if I had fewer options. I sometimes dream of living in wide-open spaces, in one of those single stop sign towns where the hustle and bustle of life moves at the pace of a slug. I imagine that I would spend all of my spare time with Jesus. But that’s a pipe dream. After living in the middle of nowhere in India for six weeks, I found it’s still hard to choose Christ even when there is no internet to surf, no phone to call home, and few people who speak English to talk to! There I thought my soul would be satisfied if only I could check my facebook or talk to my mom or get a cup of real coffee! I’m left without an excuse.

Underneath, deep calls to deep. My soul thirsts for Christ. My mind might think that gnawing of my soul will be satisfied with earthly whims and fantasies, but it will not. I’m always left with greater emptiness and a more anemic soul. To choose Christ requires that we believe this world and it’s promises will fail. Our desires are superfluous, unnecessary and a distraction from the water that will enrich our soul, give us peace, joy and the security we truly desire.

Today… I choose Christ.

Abba, may the things of this world grow strangely dim, in the light of your glory and grace.